Well there goes that one. I wish I could keep going, but I can't.

So. Sad.

Sometimes I have the audacity to complain about my life. Stupid. Stupid.

Blessed:

Wonderful & loving family (who would do and sacrifice ANYthing for me, who makes me laugh/smile every time I think of them, who makes me sooooo mad with how kind they are, and who unknowingly add pressure on me because I know I don't deserve them).
Brownies.
Husband (who is also a tad too picky, irritatingly handsome, watches and cares too much about sports and not about what is going on in the real world, and puts up with the bad side of me much too often).
Love of my life
Cake.
Chili.
Holiday traditions.
Friends.
Love.
Roof over my head.
Health.
Life.
Hope.
A future.
The ability to learn something new everyday.
Layla the Ladybug.
My favorite blanket.
A hair appointment (crossing my fingers).
Peace.
Did I already say Love? Love.


Blessed.

Birthday BLUES (A rare reflective post)

An interested fact about me and my birthday. I can't recall, in the recent years or non-recent years, a year that I did not cry on my birthday. I'm not talking about tears of joy either. But massive heart wrenching sobs.

1. Why?

2. It takes a little background. It's quite complicated, but I will try to explain.

3. It's always been the case, that I've been an active participant in the birthday's of others. As a child, I was the tall lanky kid clapping and singing louder than all my fellow students as a birthday "kid" stood beaming at the front of the room. Or

There was the kids that got to be the leaders and got all the special roles since it was their special day.

4. Fast forward a couple of years...

I was always there hiding behind couches for the surprise parties, blowing up balloons till my ears hurt, and showing up to yet another "birthday dinner."

5. SO WHY THE CRYING??

For some reason, I was never lucky enough to get those things. The golden rule ("do onto others as you would have them to onto you") doesn't quite work out here.

My birthday is during the Thanksgiving holidays so...
No special leadership positions or classroom singing
No surprise birthday parties (it's a time for family after all)
No birthday dinners (All that Thanksgiving food... who goes out for dinner)
No ability to choose a special dinner (All that Thanksgiving food...)
No going out for my 21st birthday (who goes to a bar on Thanksgiving?)
No sleepovers (all the excuses above)

6. In fact, it's usually just forgotten. I get a cursory happy birthday or something else always trumps.
Holidays
Finals
Family time
People go out of town
Lack of money
Changing tires
Every other excuse in the world

7. Only my family understands. My mom has always known. Every year I call crying.

8. It's interesting because as I get older, I still wait for that ONE birthday. That one time. Because I've never honestly had one before. Every kid deserves one right?

9. So why cry?

1o. Cause I'm a little kid in an adult body still wanting to be sung happy birthday in front of the classroom.

Year # 26. I am so blessed. Everyday is not promised.

"Baby I am committed, this ticket is non-refundable!"

Lessons of the day:

1) Evidence is the utmost importance, Learn It!!!
2) If you are going to be impeached, be impeached in style
3) Don't continue to return to the "den of NO work"
4) I am a happier person if I wake up after 10:00 am.
5) My family is a blessing of all blessings, I thank God EVERY day.

O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you! She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes In shape no bigger than an agate-stone On the fore-finger of an alderman, Drawn with a team of little atomies Athwart men’s noses as they lie

Romeo and Juliet. ACT I Scene 4. ... Fall reminds me of Romeo and Juliet.

Does a bad end negate a good beginning? 

Somehow they all end that way.

And sometimes I feel 
Like I'm almost gone 
Sometimes I feel
Like I'm all alone 

Who’s got a shoulder when I need to cry 
I feel restless and I don't know why 
Cry for help, but still feel alone 
Like a motherless child a long way from home 
Lord I'm lost I can't find my way 
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day 
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong 
I try to run away but I've been running to long 

I walked by someone with a mystery novel and I almost punched them in the face.  Jealousy is a horrible thing.

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.


...


...to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. 

You are my habit.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.  Is that true?

What to do about needing people?

Sometimes a hand to hold, kind words, or a listening ear is very much needed.


Is "needing" a weakness?

"Needy" is annoying.
"Needling" is pushing.
Being in "need" gets hand outs.

But what about "needing"?

Sometimes being alone is what must happen.

Sometimes love doesn't encompass every feeling and every hope.

Sometimes things fail.

I am in love.  Yeah I said it.

I remember this fact when I am so angry that I could throw my shoe.  It does not stop me from being angry, but it does stop me from throwing my shoe.

Best thing about marriage?  Him.

I love me some him.

Wow! I'm discovering the perks of being a wife. I say, "but I'm your wife." It's weird but it works.... Now I'm just waiting for a callback.

Me: Do you feel any different?
Him: No
Me: Me either