You know you had a good day when you get brownies AND get walked to the car!

I don't think that I ever looked at love the way that other people did. Oh I had fun. I laughed, cried, and moved on. Sometimes it took a little longer than others, but hey, that's life. When did love get serious? When did questions regarding the future begin to arise. Oh not the silly forever and ever thing, but the planning in your mind. Trying to figure out what magical combinations of two people will produce beautiful kids. Well not really kids, that 's kind of far; but when does the look out change from having someone to hang out on the weekends to wanting someone to cook for you.

Oh love started out slow. I admit i had bad taste in the beginning. Why anyone would go "out" with anyone who constantly kept a train of snot running down their nose is beyond me. I was young and clueless. So then their was 3rd grade, Chicago, and Terrell. I was the new kid in town and he asked me out the first day I was in class. I have to admit that I like a guy who knows what he wants. Monroe was 4th grade; I broke up with him because I was ashamed when he went to detention. :P 5th grade-7th grade were streams of two week relationships with people I can no longer picture in my head (not shallow, just young).

Roderick was a little bit of 8th grade and a little bit of freshmen year; my first taste of being walked to every single class, holding hands, and talking on the phone till I had to get off at 9:30--oh the woes of a 15 year old. He adored me, but I honestly didn't know. He told me that when I found somebody I really cared about, they would leave and I would feel the way that he did. ouch! The rest of freshmen year and little bit of sophomore year my heart would belong to a certain Rey Rey. It was most romantic because he lived across the street. It was tragic because he wouldn't talk to me on the phone! He literally left me speechless and when I think of him now no words seem adequate. Oh sweet 16... He's when relationships started to matter. Tommy needs no explanation. He was everything that I wanted, but nothing that I could have. We were both pathetic...bumming rides to each others games when they were 2 hours away. Oh so sweet yet oh so not. Haha...but boy could he tell dirty jokes.

So then it seems I should be at a point in my life where I'm ready for mature relationships if not already in it. I had a little stream of "oh guys don't matter" and proceeded to flirt my ass off. Interesting situations. So that left Greg, Jeff, Coddy, that one guy that used to follow me to Whataburger. I think I realized that guys suck!!! And that I should have ONE good one. So then I could talk to Mike. The first intellectual; i mean conversation was literally orgasmic. Haha. But I couldn't keep up. Not mature enough *sigh*.

So now I look up and laugh. No. Giggle. But now I guess I combination of all would be perfect but I don't want perfect, because I'm not. I'm only left to look back and wonder what's next.

I read a post on how "Love grows up," and realized the partial truth in that. I think about my past relationships and am astounded. But I'm not sure if Love grows up. I think Love grows ME up. Or maybe Love matures. But I'm not sure Love ever grows up. But then again maybe Love does grow up, but what happens if Love has grown up for me and hasn't grown up for someone else? Is it really Love...it has to be; yet, it will never be fulfilling. Love of that sort can only be affectionate and cause longing, but sadly, fulfillment is the goal; therfore, it fails to grow up.

hmmm.. very late...therefore I will save the history of the growing up of my love for later. I've realized that love has been growing up since third grade!!! :P

I yearn for a partner. A partner in crime of sorts.
A best friend. A soul mate to my soul.

I yearn and cry tears. Tears of sadness.
Yet suddenly those tears change to joy.
No more yearning. Realization.

I have everything and more. Much more than I
Could ever desire. More than any one person deserves.

I have a mate for my inner soul. By childish soul.
My grown up soul. My soul has been mated; a union from God.

I have given up looking because I have realized what I found a long time ago.
I am grateful and cry tears.

It is interesting. I am observant, but
but there is more. I feel, when
when things are wrong. Not right, and
and out of sorts.

I make logical connections, and
and I know the truth. I know, but
but you are in denial. You try to conceal, and
and almost always (no one person is perfect) fail.

My logic is near perfection, yet
yet and still you try to outsmart me. Oh,
Oh how it makes me tired. Not afraid. Weary.

I should feel easy. Easygoing and comfortable.

Trust will not build with continuous lies. Endless omissions. Constant Treachery.

I know this.

We both know the truth. Yet both so reluctant to part ways.
*sigh*

Alone

The "Kiss"

midsent--a kiss.
My thoughts. erased
and replaced with you

I can't remember
I don't know why
I forget how

my thoughts. erased
only think of you
my heart
stops.jumps.skips.stops again.

me.
you.
us.

I'm left to forget
only to remember
there is no me.you.us

Denial? Maybe.
But I feel like I know.
So that's all that matters.
Denial? Not at all...

I'm looking for my one and only.
Every time I turn around
I find my heart in pieces on the ground
So so lonely
I'm lookin' for my one and only. maybe...

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." --Rhett Butler

You confuse me.

Father Abraham had many sons...

The name "Alexis" is off this year's top 10 list for baby girl names...
GOOD! Alexis is a magical name, and not just everybody deserves it. ha!


Alexis.Anthony
Jacob.Janice
Jonathan.Joycelyn
Jackson.Janel
Terrence.Taylor
Terrell.Tiffany

*****I have a theory concerning names:
Long enough to be shortened
Different enough to be special
Common enough to fail to be exotic
Simple enough to be fun
Professional enough to grow up*****

My life is "f***ing" hilarious--Yes, I thought about saying the "f" word.
It's funny because I "see" things (staying away from the "p" word)
But it's so "f***ing " hilarious, because it doesn't make my life any easier.
My life should be easier! I demand so!

Okay now that I've tried that one and failed...
Sorry momma for thinking about saying the "f" word.
I know you brought me up better than that. *sigh*

Searching for understanding.
Treasure hunt. clues.
ah ha moment. ding ding.
duh.

sometimes...
never giving up is a bad thing

It's not love if it's just a feeling; action must be taken.

....says my English Professor, Dr. Frost

suds. rub a dub dub.
chillin in the hot tub.

Plastic melts fast.

"Everybody wants to live forever, but nobody wants to grow old."

My momma's here! Love you momma!

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." Helen Keller

I see the strawberries from our picnic. *smile* gonna eat them now!

I feel whole again.

I woke up. It was a dream...

I didn't know guys could talk on the phone for so long.
I thought only girls did stuff like that. :P

****

I'm sorry for putting you off. I know, I know.
Maybe I'll come visit next weekend and we can really talk.

The picnic was nice.

The Lake.
Racing up the hill.
A tunnel.
Black American Softball.
Firefighter building.
Piggyback.
Skipping rocks (dismal failure)
Home-cooked meal.
Heavenly bath water.

*sigh* I'm afraid that I'll wake up and it'll be a dream. *sigh*

Being blogger happy today I guess....


She said it and made me think. I think that she's right.

If fear of rejection is stronger than fear of losing someone you love, then you deserve to lose that person.

****

class was a doozy. Only made me think.

you do not know the rules
I am not a morning person
8:30, 9:00, 9:30 - morning
cute...but not that cute

Have I given up?

yes...no...maybe...

It was too easy.
she's there.
Friendship is nice.

****

I called you back...haha...
yes I give up.

Back in Austin... *sigh*

sitting and thinking about the last couple of days...

****

It was nice meeting you... really nice...

to go back...
or
not to go back...

That is the question!