Unfortunately I live in a persistant confused state.

I am confused.

Reading over my blog brings back so many memories.
It's like I'm there. I remember. I smile. tears. Happy blogger

Sad. Pain. Afraid to read but can't stop.

Memories.

Okay. I've tried to be nice about it. I've tried being considerate.
A little understanding goes a long way.
right? wrong.
I'm about to blow a fuse and it will be going out the window.
People just love to take advantage. Just run with it why don't you!

I feel like crying but i don't know why.
The same things no longer make me happy.
*sigh*

My blogger mind seems to be going dry.


I have so much on my mind but I can't get them
into a reasonable version for blogging.
So...maybe soon

"Think about what I just said."

Thank You God for giving me my family and my health.
I am truly blessed.

This has been a hell of a day. Don't mess with me.

Tosh bought me a happy meal yesturday :P

It's been years since I had a happy meal, but it was great; I truly only went for the toy. A neopets flotsam (red). I am truly addicted to neopets.

peace

I don't want to think...
thinking...
thinking...
rest.

"This letter is for a thousand apologies I can never give you. For your heart. For letting me pick what channel to watch on tv. For not letting me walk alone in the rain. For all the little things you don't know you do, and all the things you want to, and succeed in doing for me."

I have learned that when you are offensive
you have much to hide.

I knew it would be like this.

you busy.
you not answering the phone.
you not telling me anything.
you promising to call me back and not.
me calling over and over.

I hate when other people can say I told you so and be right.

"Don’t allow someone to be your priority while you are their option."

It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness & of pain: of strength & freedom. The beauty of disappointment & never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature, & everlasting beauty of monotony.-Benjamin Britten

You know you had a good day when you get brownies AND get walked to the car!

I don't think that I ever looked at love the way that other people did. Oh I had fun. I laughed, cried, and moved on. Sometimes it took a little longer than others, but hey, that's life. When did love get serious? When did questions regarding the future begin to arise. Oh not the silly forever and ever thing, but the planning in your mind. Trying to figure out what magical combinations of two people will produce beautiful kids. Well not really kids, that 's kind of far; but when does the look out change from having someone to hang out on the weekends to wanting someone to cook for you.

Oh love started out slow. I admit i had bad taste in the beginning. Why anyone would go "out" with anyone who constantly kept a train of snot running down their nose is beyond me. I was young and clueless. So then their was 3rd grade, Chicago, and Terrell. I was the new kid in town and he asked me out the first day I was in class. I have to admit that I like a guy who knows what he wants. Monroe was 4th grade; I broke up with him because I was ashamed when he went to detention. :P 5th grade-7th grade were streams of two week relationships with people I can no longer picture in my head (not shallow, just young).

Roderick was a little bit of 8th grade and a little bit of freshmen year; my first taste of being walked to every single class, holding hands, and talking on the phone till I had to get off at 9:30--oh the woes of a 15 year old. He adored me, but I honestly didn't know. He told me that when I found somebody I really cared about, they would leave and I would feel the way that he did. ouch! The rest of freshmen year and little bit of sophomore year my heart would belong to a certain Rey Rey. It was most romantic because he lived across the street. It was tragic because he wouldn't talk to me on the phone! He literally left me speechless and when I think of him now no words seem adequate. Oh sweet 16... He's when relationships started to matter. Tommy needs no explanation. He was everything that I wanted, but nothing that I could have. We were both pathetic...bumming rides to each others games when they were 2 hours away. Oh so sweet yet oh so not. Haha...but boy could he tell dirty jokes.

So then it seems I should be at a point in my life where I'm ready for mature relationships if not already in it. I had a little stream of "oh guys don't matter" and proceeded to flirt my ass off. Interesting situations. So that left Greg, Jeff, Coddy, that one guy that used to follow me to Whataburger. I think I realized that guys suck!!! And that I should have ONE good one. So then I could talk to Mike. The first intellectual; i mean conversation was literally orgasmic. Haha. But I couldn't keep up. Not mature enough *sigh*.

So now I look up and laugh. No. Giggle. But now I guess I combination of all would be perfect but I don't want perfect, because I'm not. I'm only left to look back and wonder what's next.

I read a post on how "Love grows up," and realized the partial truth in that. I think about my past relationships and am astounded. But I'm not sure if Love grows up. I think Love grows ME up. Or maybe Love matures. But I'm not sure Love ever grows up. But then again maybe Love does grow up, but what happens if Love has grown up for me and hasn't grown up for someone else? Is it really Love...it has to be; yet, it will never be fulfilling. Love of that sort can only be affectionate and cause longing, but sadly, fulfillment is the goal; therfore, it fails to grow up.

hmmm.. very late...therefore I will save the history of the growing up of my love for later. I've realized that love has been growing up since third grade!!! :P