"The only way it could have been worse is if I had peed on myself while talking to her."

"Yeah yeah I liked it when you played it for the first time at ten o'clock last night.
I liked it a little bit less at two am. 
And now I'm kind of hoping that the sun comes up, falls in that river and that woman drowns."

#nowplaying Southern Hummingbird by Tweet

We know what that means...

I would not get over it. It was a small betrayal, I know, but it is the first betrayal that hurts the most. It is the first betrayal that slays innocence and leaves a scar that is never forgotten. (from The Yellow House, page 146)

Why am I the only one who has to be understanding?

John 3:18

"Little children, we must stop expressing love merely by our words and manner of speech; we must love also in action and in truth"

Click here to read about the back story of my 2012 miracle.

This week has been the longest week of my life.  It's funny how your life can change in a second.  A second.  Everyday I read the article above and look at the pictures below.  I can honestly say that I've experienced a miracle.  I read that article and I see those pictures and I know that my baby brother is here today.  Not only is he here.  He is going to be okay.  Looking at the pictures below you'd think that this accident resulted in a fatality.  But it didn't.  Yes, he has a long road ahead.  But he is alive.  And when you look at the pictures.  Really look at them.  I think you'll think, like I do, that he is walking miracle.

I say, "you always talk about yourself."
He hears, "she hates when I change the subject."

I need a gender translator please.

To the people who love you, you are beautiful already. This is not because they're blind to your shortcomings but because they so clearly see your soul. Your shortcomings then dim by comparison. The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect, and beautiful, too.
Victoria Moran, Lit from Within

He loves me.  I think.

Bossy.  Controlling.  Selfish. Exhausting.

conversation - has it been approved?
Fun - did they choose it?
dictate when YOU do chores?
Question - have you explained why you are asking?
Where you go...where you sleep...when you leave...how long it takes...

I hate law school.  I hate finals.

That is all.

I'm going through a midlife crisis.  Before you roll your eyes about the "midlife" part...know my story.

This week's struggle:



I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that good people don't always prevail.  When guys make the comment that good guys finish last, I roll my eyes.  cliché.  But I am struggling with this idea that people are continuously rewarded for making bad decisions.  But what about me?  Trying to make good decisions.  Trying to make meaningful contributions to society. Whatever happened to the good "guys" winning and the bad losing.  Whatever happened to wanting the good girl not the bad one?  Oh wait...maybe that was never true.  Wait... what did my guy friends say... Oh yeah, they say guys want the bad girls till it's time to get married or something super selfish like that (they aren't telling the truth here either, but it makes them feel better for their behavior).  I'm not about to get into our paternalistic society.  This do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  That ish doesn't work.


I don't want to be one of the good ones anymore.  It's just not appreciated.  I'm going to do what I want like everybody else.  How does it work again?  Just apologize later.  Yeah apologies don't really feel that great but you have to accept them these days.  Plus everybody else is doing it.  Being a leader is for the birds.  I want to be a winner.  The only way you can do that these days is by being a loser.

I've outgrown many things in life.  I lament those nostalgic things.  They made me happy, but I know I have outgrown them.  I wrote about this in a different world. 

But I guess you can outgrow people.

I miss friends, but don't know how to start the conversation.
How do you interact when worlds are so different.
Do you remember.  Is that enough.
What do you do when you no longer see the potential.  Instead, you see static.  Stop. Almost but not quite.

Being torn is quite artistic.

Hit and run? Danger. Crying. Cold. Fear. Begging. Questions. Help. Rain. Distant time. Hiding. Hoping. Text messages. Left alone. Phone call. explanations. No help.  Danger. Crying. Cold. Fear. Alone.


Dreams.

Messages.

Something about a box?

....



I was taught long ago to know your audience.




....


I learned that adults are different than children.



...


Most adults would be offended if treated like a 15 year old.


....


But me... I reach out to people who know me.  Or should. Who can address me as the person I am today and not a person of the masses.  But sometimes, I reach out to people who don't know me.

Know your audience.

All things must come to an end.
 

I told you so.

I'm just waiting to hear it.  I know you think it.  I think it at times. I just don't know...