hysteria is too strong of a word,
confusion too tame.

What do you do when a person lies so much that you have to pick and choose which lies to call them out on?

The apologizer who is willing to do everything but not hurt you again, isn't very sorry at all.

Even the person who wasn't supposed to ever let me down, did.
*sigh*

I wish you could hold me.
And things would be like they were before...

Nothing hurts more...

El Arroyo is good food. If you're in Austin give it a try!

I hate when people are in my business!

Some people can never make decisions for themselves and must run and get everyone's opinions. It's one thing to want an honest opinion. It's another when you are really trying to
get people to say that you made the right decision. When will people understand that others talk and they only tell you what they think you want to hear. Then they go around behind your back and tell all your business and say how stupid you are. This is a continious cycle, yet people never learn.

I am tempted to feel sorry for those people who trust so-called friends, because it IS wrong for people to say one thing in your face and something entirely different behind your back. But then again, that's life and it is the fault of the person who must insist in putting their business out there.

I don't worry about it because I don't put myself out there. I just listen while people enjoy other's misery (which is a sad fact) and tell everyone else what's going on in other people's life. I'm glad that my friends can tell me when they think I am wrong and don't laugh behind my back.

They say the truth comes out with liquor.

I heard your truth tonight.
and even as the tears roll from my cheeks,
and I hear the hollow sound of water
I know they find comfort in my damp pillow.

What does not kill,
it makes me stronger.
And when you say that you are not in love,
I know I'll be okay.

When I try, and you yell.
When you say things to be hurtful,
When you attempt to bring me to my knees,
I know love, yet I don't know you.

I try to tell you how I feel,
you hang up, and I feel the disconnect.
Is it weak to love unconditionally?
Yet, I know that when I finally have love,
I'll recognize, hold on, and appreciate.

God has been my rock, my life,
he does not forsake. So while it hurts,
I must smile through,
Because only God knows my truth.

Who needs friends when evil shines through?
Love is not needed if it only abuses
Love is unconditional, I say and I truly believe.

Only a fool believes that she brings
the beatens of her loved one upon herself.
Only evil fails to control what can be controllen.

I cry, but I am not sad. I cry, but I am not happy.
I cry because I am, and I cry because it releases me
To not be understood is frustrating,
but to be thrown away is so real.

Who needs what can not be had?
I can't take, what God doesn't want me to keep.
My rock, my foundation, he rules me.
The queen that I am in my heart must not become the keep.

My dad he told me, that we could never be.
Yet for some reason I thought I knew more than he.
You are not me, and I not you.
I want so much more than what you can do.
You see, I want forever, and what it brings.
No need for hate and all of its strings.

Tomorrow will soon be yesterday.
And these tears I cry will go away.
And you, whom I'll never understand.
Will wash away like castles in the sand.

And even as I cry, I know your truth.
Your truth, is not me, and you say I'm not you.
I'll never understand why you carry on so.
It seems right and wrong does not make everyone grow.

What I feel is no longer a right, but a major wrong.
Love, I know, is unconditional and the tears are gone.
And even as lay on my wet pillow tonight.
I orgasm into my future, because tonight
tonight I learned your truth
and only God knows mine.

*sigh* Love is so confusing.

American Idol
The guys were much better than the girls. I had previously thought that there wasn't much competition between the boys, but it has difinitely heated up some this week. So here I am...harsh...and huge expectation. With that said, Let's go Play by Play.

Taylor: 9.0/10 Taylor is great if not a little weird. There was nothing wrong with this performance except it just didn't seem up to standards. A little disappointment when you expect so much.

Overall: I'm wondering if his whole routine will get old. I don't know but we all know he isn't going anywhere anytime soon. He is talented.

Ace: 8.0/10 Ace knows who loves him and he is definitely playing to the girls. This performance was boring and I thought he missed a couple of notes. He didn't grow from last week, but he still faces few problems at the moment. He could have done better.

Overall: Oh he's going to the finals, but he better hope Chris doesn't upstage him for the girl's attention.

Elliot: 9.5/10 This was a great performance. I was very impressed because it was a different song. I just love his soulful voice. Those ears! lol...He is a favorite of mine. He only improved from last week. As for next week, I want to see something different.

Overall: He has so much potential. Goofy, but cute. I see him being around for a long time.

Gedeon: 9.5/10 Gedeon really knocked me over with surprise. Last week he was good but I was not impressed with attempting to show talent with a song like "Shout." This week he really out did himself. I think he really shook things up for me. His voice is amazing, BUT... I want to see more personality. He talked about forgetting the words and that's great, but talk to me about that smile. Tell me something I want to know!

Overall: I had thought he didn't have much of a chance for the finals, but I don't now. He should make it to next week and then he better give it all he's got.

Kevin: 8.0/10 He wasn't bad, but he wasn't good either. The song started out okay, but nothing ground shaking or spectacular. He seems nice enough. The song was fairly consistent throughout, but it was missing a little extra. The judges talk to him like they feel sorry for him.

Overall: Kevin is riding on his geekiness, which isn't enough to be in the finals. I wouldn't send him home this week, but if he doesn't prove that there is more to him that that, he needs to go home.

Sway: 7.5/10 I liked this performance okay. He has a good voice and I think he is underrated. The thing is...he doesn't seem to have very much confidence in himself and when he should really use his range, he doesn't. The song was consistent and pretty good. He is comparable to Kevin but he lacks confidence.

Overall: I really want to hear him one more time, but if he goes home it wouldn't hurt my feelings.

Will: 7.5/10 On the boring side. He has a deeper voice thought. He has potential but tonight was not a good night in my opinion. It was not something you would remember. I was a fan last week.

Overall: I think he has a bid for the finals but he needs to watch it. If someone was to slip in unexpectedly he could lose his spots.

Bucky: 7.0/10 I am not a fan and this didn't change my mind. He just seems a little lost to me. He lacks personality. Kinda scruffy which doesn't usually bother me. He seems so one dimensional. I would send him home after tonight.

Overall: Going home would be great. I would send him home tomorrow.

David: 7.0/10 Not bad song choice and okay singing. He just isn't that great in general. His personality is a little bland to top it off. He missing something and I'm not sure what it is. Maybe he could figure that out at home.

Overall: There is usually a reason a certain website endorses you. He just doesn't have enough to last.

Chris: 9.5/10 It was a great performance! A little on the predictable but great nevertheless. I wish Chris and Ace would switch a little bit. I want Chris to sing in the girls ear a little. I just want to see it, but I don't have to.

Overall: Oh we know he's going to the finals and he'll be around. So where are the surprises going to be found? I want a surprise.

These are my opinions. Feel free to tell me about yours!

The Girls were a disappointment tonight.
Well the girls overall were pretty boring and all out dissapointing. In my opinion, the girls who did well last week were the most dissapointing. Some of the other girls that really needed to bring it-Melissa-definitely did that. I am very harsh and hard to please, but that's life. With that said...Let's go play by play:

Katherine: 7.0/10 While she wasn't bad, she wasn't good either. She was boring because she sang a safe song. If it wasn't for last week, I wouldn't even remember her.

Overall: I want to see something different from her, but she still deserves to be in the finals.

Kinnik: 6.5/10 This girl can sing! However, she didn't sing last night. I don't know what that was...maybe a lame attempt to get some attention. She looked like a grown woman trying to play a kids game. I loved her last week and thought the judges were to harsh. She can hit some amazing notes and has great range. She needs to stick with what she does best.

Overall: I don't think she deserves to go home this week, but she's going to have to pull something amazing next week to make it to the finals. I am a fan though.

Lisa: 7.5/10 The only real problem Lisa had was her song choice. It just didn't sound right. She seems to pick really different songs in really different arrangements. I personally think it's working to her advantage, but I can't help but wonder what would happen if she sung a song in a way that the audience could recognize. I think she wouldn't measure up and it would become obvious, but hey you never know.

Overall: She isn't going anywhere. I was a fan but I am starting to have a few doubts. I want to see an outstanding performance soon.

Melissa: 9.0/10 Wow! This was amazing. Her voice is so different and the song was perfect for her. Much better from last week. I don't know why the Simon was harsh (he was a little cranky). I'm glad to see she has potential.

Overall: I have my doubts about her overall, but she should make it to next week. While this performance was impressive, she still lacks range. I'm very curious about next week though.

Heather Cox: 6.0/10 Bad song choice! The worst song choice! You can't help be disappoined when she goes against somebody like Mariah Carey. At the end of the song, the audience can't help but notice what was missing. Not much attention can be paid to what was there.

Overall: She isn't very memorable and her voice doesn't stand out. Not saying she can't sing. Just saying she needs to go home.

Brenna Gethers: 5.5/10 Not only can she not sing, but she has a horrible attitude. She has not shown America once that she even deserves to be where she is. Yet, she has this inflated ego that makes me want to puke. She cuts off the judges when they are trying to help. Rude! I'm not going to even mention the freaky smiles and poses.

Overall: She should have gone home last week and I'm mad for giving her a second chance. Her attitude puts me in a bad mood.

Paris: 8.5/10 I love Paris and she's my favorite but it was definitely the wrong song. I kept expected the unexpected throughout the song and it never happened. Don't get me wrong, it was still great. I think I'm being the harshest on her rating because I just plain expected more.

Overall: She has long range potential. I hope she doesn't play it safe next week but I don't want to see the same thing from last week either. Surprise me.

Ayla: 8.5/10 Her vocals were good, but there was no connection for me. She picked an okay song, but it was still safe. I want to see her with the straight hair for some reason. I also want to see her sing something where she can throw her hair in a pony tail (a messy bun may be to far) and just get down.

Overall: She likes to play it safe. I think she has a good shot for the finals, but there a few that could sneak up on her. The best bet would to go for the surprise next week.

Kellie: 9.0/10 I thought her performance was good. She puts lots of emotion in her singing and she has good range even if she doesn't have the best voice. I thought she looked great too. However, I think she is fake and she annoys me.

Overall: She won't meet her match until the finals. She has a big fan base but when the boys and girls are combined she may be one of the few that will have a problem.

Mandisa: 9.0/10 It was a good performance even though I did not like the song. Mandisa obviously has the range and the vocals, but people are going to get tired of her shouting at us. I like Mandisa although she isn't a huge favorite of mine. I want something softer from her.

Overall: She has the vocals for the finals and she has a great personality. I think she deserves to go far.

What do you think? These are my opinions. Feel free to share your opinions.

Why am I always sad?

People yell and talk crazy.
Grind and talk through their teeth,
throw things.

It makes me feel like shit.
I guess that's the point.

I love my job.
Kinda.

It makes me feel smart.
Kinda.

It's lots of fun.
Sometimes.

lol *snort**snort* (Did you just snort? No...)

My mouth hurts...

Pouting for a reason.

Computers make me itch...
*scratch* *scratch*

Time for New Year resolutions.

How do I want to play myself this year?

It is all in God's hands

I'm free to look for other prospects.

you said

Happy Birthday to Me!

It's nothing special times to know who your friends are. I love you All...

Love lives on hope, and dies when hope is dead;
It is a flame which sinks for lack of fuel.

I'm lonely...

for conversation.



I'm lonely...

for that feeling
the one that says I'm right where I'm supposed to be.


I'm lonely

for conversation.

Baby laptop...cute

When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

We cannot change anything until we accept it.Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
-C. G. Jung

I wish they would only take me as I am.
-Vincent Van Gogh

They say it's the little things that mean the most.
It's also the little things that hurt the most.

What else can one expect when one isn't invited.
He doesn't think to invite. One invites oneself...therefore unwanted.

One feels unwanted. Again.

Unfortunately I live in a persistant confused state.

I am confused.

Reading over my blog brings back so many memories.
It's like I'm there. I remember. I smile. tears. Happy blogger

Sad. Pain. Afraid to read but can't stop.

Memories.

Okay. I've tried to be nice about it. I've tried being considerate.
A little understanding goes a long way.
right? wrong.
I'm about to blow a fuse and it will be going out the window.
People just love to take advantage. Just run with it why don't you!

I feel like crying but i don't know why.
The same things no longer make me happy.
*sigh*

My blogger mind seems to be going dry.


I have so much on my mind but I can't get them
into a reasonable version for blogging.
So...maybe soon

"Think about what I just said."

Thank You God for giving me my family and my health.
I am truly blessed.

This has been a hell of a day. Don't mess with me.

Tosh bought me a happy meal yesturday :P

It's been years since I had a happy meal, but it was great; I truly only went for the toy. A neopets flotsam (red). I am truly addicted to neopets.

peace

I don't want to think...
thinking...
thinking...
rest.

"This letter is for a thousand apologies I can never give you. For your heart. For letting me pick what channel to watch on tv. For not letting me walk alone in the rain. For all the little things you don't know you do, and all the things you want to, and succeed in doing for me."

I have learned that when you are offensive
you have much to hide.

I knew it would be like this.

you busy.
you not answering the phone.
you not telling me anything.
you promising to call me back and not.
me calling over and over.

I hate when other people can say I told you so and be right.

"Don’t allow someone to be your priority while you are their option."

It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness & of pain: of strength & freedom. The beauty of disappointment & never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature, & everlasting beauty of monotony.-Benjamin Britten

You know you had a good day when you get brownies AND get walked to the car!

I don't think that I ever looked at love the way that other people did. Oh I had fun. I laughed, cried, and moved on. Sometimes it took a little longer than others, but hey, that's life. When did love get serious? When did questions regarding the future begin to arise. Oh not the silly forever and ever thing, but the planning in your mind. Trying to figure out what magical combinations of two people will produce beautiful kids. Well not really kids, that 's kind of far; but when does the look out change from having someone to hang out on the weekends to wanting someone to cook for you.

Oh love started out slow. I admit i had bad taste in the beginning. Why anyone would go "out" with anyone who constantly kept a train of snot running down their nose is beyond me. I was young and clueless. So then their was 3rd grade, Chicago, and Terrell. I was the new kid in town and he asked me out the first day I was in class. I have to admit that I like a guy who knows what he wants. Monroe was 4th grade; I broke up with him because I was ashamed when he went to detention. :P 5th grade-7th grade were streams of two week relationships with people I can no longer picture in my head (not shallow, just young).

Roderick was a little bit of 8th grade and a little bit of freshmen year; my first taste of being walked to every single class, holding hands, and talking on the phone till I had to get off at 9:30--oh the woes of a 15 year old. He adored me, but I honestly didn't know. He told me that when I found somebody I really cared about, they would leave and I would feel the way that he did. ouch! The rest of freshmen year and little bit of sophomore year my heart would belong to a certain Rey Rey. It was most romantic because he lived across the street. It was tragic because he wouldn't talk to me on the phone! He literally left me speechless and when I think of him now no words seem adequate. Oh sweet 16... He's when relationships started to matter. Tommy needs no explanation. He was everything that I wanted, but nothing that I could have. We were both pathetic...bumming rides to each others games when they were 2 hours away. Oh so sweet yet oh so not. Haha...but boy could he tell dirty jokes.

So then it seems I should be at a point in my life where I'm ready for mature relationships if not already in it. I had a little stream of "oh guys don't matter" and proceeded to flirt my ass off. Interesting situations. So that left Greg, Jeff, Coddy, that one guy that used to follow me to Whataburger. I think I realized that guys suck!!! And that I should have ONE good one. So then I could talk to Mike. The first intellectual; i mean conversation was literally orgasmic. Haha. But I couldn't keep up. Not mature enough *sigh*.

So now I look up and laugh. No. Giggle. But now I guess I combination of all would be perfect but I don't want perfect, because I'm not. I'm only left to look back and wonder what's next.

I read a post on how "Love grows up," and realized the partial truth in that. I think about my past relationships and am astounded. But I'm not sure if Love grows up. I think Love grows ME up. Or maybe Love matures. But I'm not sure Love ever grows up. But then again maybe Love does grow up, but what happens if Love has grown up for me and hasn't grown up for someone else? Is it really Love...it has to be; yet, it will never be fulfilling. Love of that sort can only be affectionate and cause longing, but sadly, fulfillment is the goal; therfore, it fails to grow up.

hmmm.. very late...therefore I will save the history of the growing up of my love for later. I've realized that love has been growing up since third grade!!! :P

I yearn for a partner. A partner in crime of sorts.
A best friend. A soul mate to my soul.

I yearn and cry tears. Tears of sadness.
Yet suddenly those tears change to joy.
No more yearning. Realization.

I have everything and more. Much more than I
Could ever desire. More than any one person deserves.

I have a mate for my inner soul. By childish soul.
My grown up soul. My soul has been mated; a union from God.

I have given up looking because I have realized what I found a long time ago.
I am grateful and cry tears.

It is interesting. I am observant, but
but there is more. I feel, when
when things are wrong. Not right, and
and out of sorts.

I make logical connections, and
and I know the truth. I know, but
but you are in denial. You try to conceal, and
and almost always (no one person is perfect) fail.

My logic is near perfection, yet
yet and still you try to outsmart me. Oh,
Oh how it makes me tired. Not afraid. Weary.

I should feel easy. Easygoing and comfortable.

Trust will not build with continuous lies. Endless omissions. Constant Treachery.

I know this.

We both know the truth. Yet both so reluctant to part ways.
*sigh*

Alone

The "Kiss"

midsent--a kiss.
My thoughts. erased
and replaced with you

I can't remember
I don't know why
I forget how

my thoughts. erased
only think of you
my heart
stops.jumps.skips.stops again.

me.
you.
us.

I'm left to forget
only to remember
there is no me.you.us

Denial? Maybe.
But I feel like I know.
So that's all that matters.
Denial? Not at all...

I'm looking for my one and only.
Every time I turn around
I find my heart in pieces on the ground
So so lonely
I'm lookin' for my one and only. maybe...

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." --Rhett Butler

You confuse me.

Father Abraham had many sons...

The name "Alexis" is off this year's top 10 list for baby girl names...
GOOD! Alexis is a magical name, and not just everybody deserves it. ha!


Alexis.Anthony
Jacob.Janice
Jonathan.Joycelyn
Jackson.Janel
Terrence.Taylor
Terrell.Tiffany

*****I have a theory concerning names:
Long enough to be shortened
Different enough to be special
Common enough to fail to be exotic
Simple enough to be fun
Professional enough to grow up*****

My life is "f***ing" hilarious--Yes, I thought about saying the "f" word.
It's funny because I "see" things (staying away from the "p" word)
But it's so "f***ing " hilarious, because it doesn't make my life any easier.
My life should be easier! I demand so!

Okay now that I've tried that one and failed...
Sorry momma for thinking about saying the "f" word.
I know you brought me up better than that. *sigh*

Searching for understanding.
Treasure hunt. clues.
ah ha moment. ding ding.
duh.

sometimes...
never giving up is a bad thing

It's not love if it's just a feeling; action must be taken.

....says my English Professor, Dr. Frost

suds. rub a dub dub.
chillin in the hot tub.

Plastic melts fast.

"Everybody wants to live forever, but nobody wants to grow old."

My momma's here! Love you momma!

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." Helen Keller

I see the strawberries from our picnic. *smile* gonna eat them now!

I feel whole again.

I woke up. It was a dream...

I didn't know guys could talk on the phone for so long.
I thought only girls did stuff like that. :P

****

I'm sorry for putting you off. I know, I know.
Maybe I'll come visit next weekend and we can really talk.

The picnic was nice.

The Lake.
Racing up the hill.
A tunnel.
Black American Softball.
Firefighter building.
Piggyback.
Skipping rocks (dismal failure)
Home-cooked meal.
Heavenly bath water.

*sigh* I'm afraid that I'll wake up and it'll be a dream. *sigh*

Being blogger happy today I guess....


She said it and made me think. I think that she's right.

If fear of rejection is stronger than fear of losing someone you love, then you deserve to lose that person.

****

class was a doozy. Only made me think.

you do not know the rules
I am not a morning person
8:30, 9:00, 9:30 - morning
cute...but not that cute

Have I given up?

yes...no...maybe...

It was too easy.
she's there.
Friendship is nice.

****

I called you back...haha...
yes I give up.

Back in Austin... *sigh*

sitting and thinking about the last couple of days...

****

It was nice meeting you... really nice...

to go back...
or
not to go back...

That is the question!

2 hardback books

$1.00

HAPPY!!! :P

Warning

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandles, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple

skinny dipping

Thanx Antoni'A you are a lifesaver.
****
everything is gonna work out with summer school after all.
I love my daddy.
I can't believe how much better I feel with stress off my shoulders!

sunny day!!!
...not really, but it's sunny in my book I'm reading...
yayyy!

I can't believe I believed
Everything we had would last
****
Silly of me to dream of
****
Me myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

I don't believe in love anymore

post on my facebook wall:

"Lec-leeeeeeeeeee what up lil mama just markin up ya wall this facebook thing is kind of cool i guess. i really miss yall somebody needs to bring they azz home sometime!!!! you know just cuz you live there dont make you from there you is a country azz bama "gal" yea i said "you is" anyway keep doing what you do and call ya cuz sometime ok. halla back lil m. "

Ahh...I miss "home"

I didn't drop the ball with you. Balance...people. Not what I meant. You mean more to me than that.
****

I'm scared to hope.

I can't sleep...

I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's hard to balance all the people in my life right now.

I'm sorry that I hurt you...

You put your shorts on backwards!

HaHa :P

Today..well yesterday (last night) went skating on a skating rink.
No, not rollerblading.
Skating.

Four wheels
Stopper on Front
Cute boots

It was so much fun. I think the last time I skated in actual skates, I was in the second grade and I could adjust the skates to my foot size.

Thanx Tosh Joseph :P

Happy Birthday DeeDee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love You!

If you're interested in Marketing or just business strategy in general...try Marketing Warfare it's such a great book.

I think that I am afraid. A coward if you will...

Not a statement of shame...more...fact

My feelings are so raw...
I can't even explain it on paper.

That's a first.

Sad does not describe how I feel.

Hollow.

laughing is easier than crying.

The hurt feels all the same in the end.

Many people mistake cowardice for low self-esteem.

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish Take a chance Make a change
And breakawayOut of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a changeAnd breakaway
--Breakaway