this.

Source

 

"The only way it could have been worse is if I had peed on myself while talking to her."

"Yeah yeah I liked it when you played it for the first time at ten o'clock last night.
I liked it a little bit less at two am. 
And now I'm kind of hoping that the sun comes up, falls in that river and that woman drowns."

#nowplaying Southern Hummingbird by Tweet

We know what that means...

I would not get over it. It was a small betrayal, I know, but it is the first betrayal that hurts the most. It is the first betrayal that slays innocence and leaves a scar that is never forgotten. (from The Yellow House, page 146)

Why am I the only one who has to be understanding?

John 3:18

"Little children, we must stop expressing love merely by our words and manner of speech; we must love also in action and in truth"

Click here to read about the back story of my 2012 miracle.

This week has been the longest week of my life.  It's funny how your life can change in a second.  A second.  Everyday I read the article above and look at the pictures below.  I can honestly say that I've experienced a miracle.  I read that article and I see those pictures and I know that my baby brother is here today.  Not only is he here.  He is going to be okay.  Looking at the pictures below you'd think that this accident resulted in a fatality.  But it didn't.  Yes, he has a long road ahead.  But he is alive.  And when you look at the pictures.  Really look at them.  I think you'll think, like I do, that he is walking miracle.

I say, "you always talk about yourself."
He hears, "she hates when I change the subject."

I need a gender translator please.

To the people who love you, you are beautiful already. This is not because they're blind to your shortcomings but because they so clearly see your soul. Your shortcomings then dim by comparison. The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect, and beautiful, too.
Victoria Moran, Lit from Within

He loves me.  I think.

Bossy.  Controlling.  Selfish. Exhausting.

conversation - has it been approved?
Fun - did they choose it?
dictate when YOU do chores?
Question - have you explained why you are asking?
Where you go...where you sleep...when you leave...how long it takes...

I hate law school.  I hate finals.

That is all.

I'm going through a midlife crisis.  Before you roll your eyes about the "midlife" part...know my story.

This week's struggle:



I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that good people don't always prevail.  When guys make the comment that good guys finish last, I roll my eyes.  cliché.  But I am struggling with this idea that people are continuously rewarded for making bad decisions.  But what about me?  Trying to make good decisions.  Trying to make meaningful contributions to society. Whatever happened to the good "guys" winning and the bad losing.  Whatever happened to wanting the good girl not the bad one?  Oh wait...maybe that was never true.  Wait... what did my guy friends say... Oh yeah, they say guys want the bad girls till it's time to get married or something super selfish like that (they aren't telling the truth here either, but it makes them feel better for their behavior).  I'm not about to get into our paternalistic society.  This do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  That ish doesn't work.


I don't want to be one of the good ones anymore.  It's just not appreciated.  I'm going to do what I want like everybody else.  How does it work again?  Just apologize later.  Yeah apologies don't really feel that great but you have to accept them these days.  Plus everybody else is doing it.  Being a leader is for the birds.  I want to be a winner.  The only way you can do that these days is by being a loser.

I've outgrown many things in life.  I lament those nostalgic things.  They made me happy, but I know I have outgrown them.  I wrote about this in a different world. 

But I guess you can outgrow people.

I miss friends, but don't know how to start the conversation.
How do you interact when worlds are so different.
Do you remember.  Is that enough.
What do you do when you no longer see the potential.  Instead, you see static.  Stop. Almost but not quite.

Being torn is quite artistic.

Hit and run? Danger. Crying. Cold. Fear. Begging. Questions. Help. Rain. Distant time. Hiding. Hoping. Text messages. Left alone. Phone call. explanations. No help.  Danger. Crying. Cold. Fear. Alone.


Dreams.

Messages.

Something about a box?

....



I was taught long ago to know your audience.




....


I learned that adults are different than children.



...


Most adults would be offended if treated like a 15 year old.


....


But me... I reach out to people who know me.  Or should. Who can address me as the person I am today and not a person of the masses.  But sometimes, I reach out to people who don't know me.

Know your audience.

All things must come to an end.
 

I told you so.

I'm just waiting to hear it.  I know you think it.  I think it at times. I just don't know...

Vindictive (adj.): disposed to seek vengeance; characterized by spite or rancor.  Adjective - hateful.

  Injustice - unfairness - procedure - war - terror - Constitutional rights - criminal - terrorists - students - innocent - humanitarians - intent - purpose - slippery slope - fight - injuries - citizens - freedom - type/criminals - stop - protect - enjoy Constitutional rights - country - award - ingenuity - hard-work - safety -  patriotism - country

Just mooting...

Trying to come up with a policy argument.

I still feel lost.  I don't like this growing up thing.

I'm so done it isn't even funny.

Well there goes that one. I wish I could keep going, but I can't.

So. Sad.

Sometimes I have the audacity to complain about my life. Stupid. Stupid.

Blessed:

Wonderful & loving family (who would do and sacrifice ANYthing for me, who makes me laugh/smile every time I think of them, who makes me sooooo mad with how kind they are, and who unknowingly add pressure on me because I know I don't deserve them).
Brownies.
Husband (who is also a tad too picky, irritatingly handsome, watches and cares too much about sports and not about what is going on in the real world, and puts up with the bad side of me much too often).
Love of my life
Cake.
Chili.
Holiday traditions.
Friends.
Love.
Roof over my head.
Health.
Life.
Hope.
A future.
The ability to learn something new everyday.
Layla the Ladybug.
My favorite blanket.
A hair appointment (crossing my fingers).
Peace.
Did I already say Love? Love.


Blessed.

Birthday BLUES (A rare reflective post)

An interested fact about me and my birthday. I can't recall, in the recent years or non-recent years, a year that I did not cry on my birthday. I'm not talking about tears of joy either. But massive heart wrenching sobs.

1. Why?

2. It takes a little background. It's quite complicated, but I will try to explain.

3. It's always been the case, that I've been an active participant in the birthday's of others. As a child, I was the tall lanky kid clapping and singing louder than all my fellow students as a birthday "kid" stood beaming at the front of the room. Or

There was the kids that got to be the leaders and got all the special roles since it was their special day.

4. Fast forward a couple of years...

I was always there hiding behind couches for the surprise parties, blowing up balloons till my ears hurt, and showing up to yet another "birthday dinner."

5. SO WHY THE CRYING??

For some reason, I was never lucky enough to get those things. The golden rule ("do onto others as you would have them to onto you") doesn't quite work out here.

My birthday is during the Thanksgiving holidays so...
No special leadership positions or classroom singing
No surprise birthday parties (it's a time for family after all)
No birthday dinners (All that Thanksgiving food... who goes out for dinner)
No ability to choose a special dinner (All that Thanksgiving food...)
No going out for my 21st birthday (who goes to a bar on Thanksgiving?)
No sleepovers (all the excuses above)

6. In fact, it's usually just forgotten. I get a cursory happy birthday or something else always trumps.
Holidays
Finals
Family time
People go out of town
Lack of money
Changing tires
Every other excuse in the world

7. Only my family understands. My mom has always known. Every year I call crying.

8. It's interesting because as I get older, I still wait for that ONE birthday. That one time. Because I've never honestly had one before. Every kid deserves one right?

9. So why cry?

1o. Cause I'm a little kid in an adult body still wanting to be sung happy birthday in front of the classroom.

Year # 26. I am so blessed. Everyday is not promised.

"Baby I am committed, this ticket is non-refundable!"

Lessons of the day:

1) Evidence is the utmost importance, Learn It!!!
2) If you are going to be impeached, be impeached in style
3) Don't continue to return to the "den of NO work"
4) I am a happier person if I wake up after 10:00 am.
5) My family is a blessing of all blessings, I thank God EVERY day.

O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you! She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes In shape no bigger than an agate-stone On the fore-finger of an alderman, Drawn with a team of little atomies Athwart men’s noses as they lie

Romeo and Juliet. ACT I Scene 4. ... Fall reminds me of Romeo and Juliet.

Does a bad end negate a good beginning? 

Somehow they all end that way.

And sometimes I feel 
Like I'm almost gone 
Sometimes I feel
Like I'm all alone 

Who’s got a shoulder when I need to cry 
I feel restless and I don't know why 
Cry for help, but still feel alone 
Like a motherless child a long way from home 
Lord I'm lost I can't find my way 
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day 
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong 
I try to run away but I've been running to long 

I walked by someone with a mystery novel and I almost punched them in the face.  Jealousy is a horrible thing.

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.


...


...to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. 

You are my habit.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.  Is that true?

What to do about needing people?

Sometimes a hand to hold, kind words, or a listening ear is very much needed.


Is "needing" a weakness?

"Needy" is annoying.
"Needling" is pushing.
Being in "need" gets hand outs.

But what about "needing"?

Sometimes being alone is what must happen.

Sometimes love doesn't encompass every feeling and every hope.

Sometimes things fail.

I am in love.  Yeah I said it.

I remember this fact when I am so angry that I could throw my shoe.  It does not stop me from being angry, but it does stop me from throwing my shoe.

Best thing about marriage?  Him.

I love me some him.

Wow! I'm discovering the perks of being a wife. I say, "but I'm your wife." It's weird but it works.... Now I'm just waiting for a callback.

Me: Do you feel any different?
Him: No
Me: Me either

For some men, it is okay to be a follower as long as they are following another man.

But the truth is, a follower is a follower.

*****

Mediocrity makes me itch.  I'm allergic.

I said it.  I need you.

You said.  Maybe next time.  I'm busy.  Well this is broken (but not really).  I can't.

I said nothing.  But it died a little then.

They say the truth shall set you free.

"Life, Love, and Disaster."

Want to roll into a tight ball and cry.
But just too exhausted to do it.

Maybe tomorrow.

"What can you say about a 25-year-old girl that died?"

O: "I'm bored, so I am flexing my cleavage."
Me: ??!

Who else is there to trust?

"Even though I betcha you have a wife, who is actually stupid enough, to believe you are the one guy with integrity, the one guy, until of course she finds that lipstick mark on your boxers, and then its game over pal. And that one thing  you held so dear that one thing you loved more in then anything in the world, is tainted and ruined and destroyed like that.  Ergo if you had a brain in either head, you would realize I was doing us both a favor." - Love Happens

Him: "Don't take the Texas Marriage and Divorce class cause you don't need to know that stuff."
Me: ?

Stability. Loyalty.

Little known fact about me: I have never been able to handle goodbyes. See ya lata?  Got it.  I can handle.  Be right back? Okay.  Don't hurry back.  Goodbye, and not sure when I'll see you back again? Massive tears.

Any ideas on how to get motivated?  Need help!!

Since it is Spring Break, I've been doing some cooking and cleaning. I just had to share this surprisingly great recipe (wedding dress paranoia aside).

Hungry Girl - Fettuccine Hungry Girlfredo Veggie Explosion

Have a couple seconds to burn?   Click here: Strangely interesting.

DISPIRITED.

Are you allowed to give up people for lent?  Not all people.  Maybe one, two, or a few?  Is that okay?

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME for a LAW STUDENT:

Self,
It's going to be okay. Really. We WILL bounce back from this. We can take shorter showers and save at least 3 minutes. Shaving? Not necessary. Our hair only needs to be washed once, no time for the double wash and rinse. We'll save time by dropping the greeting on emails and hanging up phone calls without saying goodbye. We'll use forks instead of chopsticks. We won't let them get to us; we'll get that hour back in no time. Trust me. Now worries.


Best,


Panicking Law Student

Horse + carriage minus Cinderella's curfew.
Jazz + Vibe minus the Salsa
Drinks + Drinks + Drinks
Thankfulness + Inspiration
Me + You

Decidedly happy.

Is it possible to be loved unconditionally by someone who has never experienced that kind of love?

Should you only love those who have experienced the type of caring and sacrifice that one has already experience?

Must you feel love to give love?

What about friendship? caring? trust? loyalty?

Help.

When is a bad sign...a bad sign?
When is it better to forgive and forget?
When should a person walk away?

When is a choice an excuse?
When is love not enough?
When is it okay to be selfish?

shortness of breath

pounding

tears

headaches can topple the biggest.

baddest.

strongest. Though I am none of these.

A feeling of treading water. wishing it were over. then shame.

for not being the bigger. badder. stronger

Just want to know it will be okay. but it won't.

The problem with the Grinch? His heart was an empty hole...two sizes too small.

“Right now I’m the blues in your left thigh, trying to be the funk in your right.”

I want some funk in my right.  Oh wait…what is that?

“Romance is about the possibility of things.”

Some friends just make everything better.

Some hugs are priceless.

Alone.

Nowhere to go.

Repost

Who’s got a shoulder when I need to cry
I feel restless and I don't know why
Cry for help, but still feel alone
Like a motherless child along way from home
Lord I'm lost I can't find my way
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong
I try to run away but I've been running to long

“My Better is Better Than Your Better”

At want point do bad habits become plain ole personality traits?

It might seem that a habit must be overcome and one must work harder and better.  But what if it is not possible because it is not actually a bad habit but just an unfortunate personality trait.

Then a few questions may arise:

Was this a bad habit that turned into a personality trait and a persons norm?

OR

Was this always a personality trait that was mistakenly believed to be just “something to work on?”

OR

Is a personality trait and bad habit one and the same?

In other words…

Can you make your better better than my better?  Can you make your better just as good as my better?  Or did your better never have a chance and expectations should be adjusted accordingly?

You can only have one domicile, but you can have more than one dwelling house or abode.

#whateverhappenedto Love and Happiness?

Who Are You?

Dr. Jekyll.

or

Mr. Hyde.

or

???

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Sometimes I feel like

I'm almost gone

Sometimes I feel like

I'm almost gone

Sometimes I feel

like I'm all alone

A long way from home.

Why?

I never learn.

Human Nature

Get me out
Into the night-time
Four walls wont hold me tonight
If this town
Is just an apple
Then let me take a bite

Save Me From Myself

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you've gotta be
Everything's changin
But you're the truth

My love is tainted by your touch
Cuz some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky

And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
a better woman to myself
to myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

Wasted

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Love Quotes

(was reading through previous posts and felt the need to repost a special one because it caused a smile)

 

"I'm starting with the Man in the River."

"Can you not use up my blinker."

"I'm going to buy a regulation luffa."

Wedding

Floating on air.  Happy sharing from your part.  Savoring the moment…

Does it count if you only find out the important stuff through twitter?

Food for Thought

PRIORITIES... Sometimes people never figure out how to get them in order no matter how old they are or lessons supposedly learned.

Institute #3:

12...then 11. Pre-work.then...Springwork.then...Week 0 Prep.then...Work. Surveys. Meetings. RFOC. Hot sweltering classrooms. MJ. A-Team. Definitely Davis. Davis Team. Chuy's. ODCs. Schilliterbahn. LPCs. Flood. Action Plans. Wild West. BBQ. Chants. Big Goals. OERs (again). Mimosas. The Den. Tequila Sunrise. Paper. Breakfast tacos. Blanca. Keypoints.

Who’s got a shoulder when I need to cry
I feel restless and I don't know why
Cry for help, but still feel alone
Like a motherless child along way from home
Lord I'm lost I can't find my way
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong
I try to run away but I've been running to long

...Oh not really. I just couldn't help myself. I literally laughed out loud (notice I spelled all the words out).

Love doesn't last when you don't respect the other person.

How To Not Get Your Feelings Hurt

Read and memorize the post on “How to not get Disappointed.”

Rinse and Repeat.

How to Not be Disappointed

• Do not have high expectations of others. People should not be expected to:
• Do the right thing
• Add value to their community
• Avoid illegal activities no matter the situation
• Wake up before 1:00 p.m.
• Try not to convey your wants/needs to other people
• Do not push others to be better. They will only think you are judging them.
• Do not be surprised if others do not push themselves to be better. We are on this earth to make ourselves happy no matter what it may take to do this.
• Do not expect others to do what they say they will do.
• Try no to be frustrated when adults act like kids. It is their right to avoid responsibility.
• Remember that there are people out there with little kid tendencies inside them and whom can still take care of business/responsibilities.
• Forget that you do not know any of those people.
• Do not expect others to help you to be a better person.
• Do not expect others to be driven or focused.
• Do not expect others to think before acting. Life is not fun unless you are allowed to make bad decisions over and over again.
• Expect that people will only call when they need something. Everyone needs something—except you. Do not expect others to help with your needs.
• Do not get upset when people start doing something for you and then quit. Smile gratefully when they tell you to finish it yourself.
• Do not expect the people you love to love you back. Do not believe it if they say they love you. If you think they do not mean it. They do not.
• Do not expect people to be there when they say the will
• Do not expect intelligent conversation from others. Better yet, do not expect intelligence from others.
• Assume mediocrity at all times.

Running through sprinklers.  Accidently.

***********

"It was a lot of work."

Too much work.

***********

Foolishness.  Thinking that this time, it would be my turn.

Frustrating.  Trying to get someone to see anything.

Failure.  How everything always ends up.

***********

Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins.  Pray about it.

***********

No Words...