Well there goes that one. I wish I could keep going, but I can't.

So. Sad.

Sometimes I have the audacity to complain about my life. Stupid. Stupid.

Blessed:

Wonderful & loving family (who would do and sacrifice ANYthing for me, who makes me laugh/smile every time I think of them, who makes me sooooo mad with how kind they are, and who unknowingly add pressure on me because I know I don't deserve them).
Brownies.
Husband (who is also a tad too picky, irritatingly handsome, watches and cares too much about sports and not about what is going on in the real world, and puts up with the bad side of me much too often).
Love of my life
Cake.
Chili.
Holiday traditions.
Friends.
Love.
Roof over my head.
Health.
Life.
Hope.
A future.
The ability to learn something new everyday.
Layla the Ladybug.
My favorite blanket.
A hair appointment (crossing my fingers).
Peace.
Did I already say Love? Love.


Blessed.

Birthday BLUES (A rare reflective post)

An interested fact about me and my birthday. I can't recall, in the recent years or non-recent years, a year that I did not cry on my birthday. I'm not talking about tears of joy either. But massive heart wrenching sobs.

1. Why?

2. It takes a little background. It's quite complicated, but I will try to explain.

3. It's always been the case, that I've been an active participant in the birthday's of others. As a child, I was the tall lanky kid clapping and singing louder than all my fellow students as a birthday "kid" stood beaming at the front of the room. Or

There was the kids that got to be the leaders and got all the special roles since it was their special day.

4. Fast forward a couple of years...

I was always there hiding behind couches for the surprise parties, blowing up balloons till my ears hurt, and showing up to yet another "birthday dinner."

5. SO WHY THE CRYING??

For some reason, I was never lucky enough to get those things. The golden rule ("do onto others as you would have them to onto you") doesn't quite work out here.

My birthday is during the Thanksgiving holidays so...
No special leadership positions or classroom singing
No surprise birthday parties (it's a time for family after all)
No birthday dinners (All that Thanksgiving food... who goes out for dinner)
No ability to choose a special dinner (All that Thanksgiving food...)
No going out for my 21st birthday (who goes to a bar on Thanksgiving?)
No sleepovers (all the excuses above)

6. In fact, it's usually just forgotten. I get a cursory happy birthday or something else always trumps.
Holidays
Finals
Family time
People go out of town
Lack of money
Changing tires
Every other excuse in the world

7. Only my family understands. My mom has always known. Every year I call crying.

8. It's interesting because as I get older, I still wait for that ONE birthday. That one time. Because I've never honestly had one before. Every kid deserves one right?

9. So why cry?

1o. Cause I'm a little kid in an adult body still wanting to be sung happy birthday in front of the classroom.

Year # 26. I am so blessed. Everyday is not promised.

"Baby I am committed, this ticket is non-refundable!"

Lessons of the day:

1) Evidence is the utmost importance, Learn It!!!
2) If you are going to be impeached, be impeached in style
3) Don't continue to return to the "den of NO work"
4) I am a happier person if I wake up after 10:00 am.
5) My family is a blessing of all blessings, I thank God EVERY day.

O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you! She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes In shape no bigger than an agate-stone On the fore-finger of an alderman, Drawn with a team of little atomies Athwart men’s noses as they lie

Romeo and Juliet. ACT I Scene 4. ... Fall reminds me of Romeo and Juliet.

Does a bad end negate a good beginning? 

Somehow they all end that way.

And sometimes I feel 
Like I'm almost gone 
Sometimes I feel
Like I'm all alone 

Who’s got a shoulder when I need to cry 
I feel restless and I don't know why 
Cry for help, but still feel alone 
Like a motherless child a long way from home 
Lord I'm lost I can't find my way 
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day 
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong 
I try to run away but I've been running to long 

I walked by someone with a mystery novel and I almost punched them in the face.  Jealousy is a horrible thing.

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.


...


...to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. 

You are my habit.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.  Is that true?

What to do about needing people?

Sometimes a hand to hold, kind words, or a listening ear is very much needed.


Is "needing" a weakness?

"Needy" is annoying.
"Needling" is pushing.
Being in "need" gets hand outs.

But what about "needing"?

Sometimes being alone is what must happen.

Sometimes love doesn't encompass every feeling and every hope.

Sometimes things fail.

I am in love.  Yeah I said it.

I remember this fact when I am so angry that I could throw my shoe.  It does not stop me from being angry, but it does stop me from throwing my shoe.

Best thing about marriage?  Him.

I love me some him.

Wow! I'm discovering the perks of being a wife. I say, "but I'm your wife." It's weird but it works.... Now I'm just waiting for a callback.

Me: Do you feel any different?
Him: No
Me: Me either

For some men, it is okay to be a follower as long as they are following another man.

But the truth is, a follower is a follower.

*****

Mediocrity makes me itch.  I'm allergic.

I said it.  I need you.

You said.  Maybe next time.  I'm busy.  Well this is broken (but not really).  I can't.

I said nothing.  But it died a little then.

They say the truth shall set you free.

"Life, Love, and Disaster."

Want to roll into a tight ball and cry.
But just too exhausted to do it.

Maybe tomorrow.

"What can you say about a 25-year-old girl that died?"

O: "I'm bored, so I am flexing my cleavage."
Me: ??!

Who else is there to trust?

"Even though I betcha you have a wife, who is actually stupid enough, to believe you are the one guy with integrity, the one guy, until of course she finds that lipstick mark on your boxers, and then its game over pal. And that one thing  you held so dear that one thing you loved more in then anything in the world, is tainted and ruined and destroyed like that.  Ergo if you had a brain in either head, you would realize I was doing us both a favor." - Love Happens

Him: "Don't take the Texas Marriage and Divorce class cause you don't need to know that stuff."
Me: ?

Stability. Loyalty.

Little known fact about me: I have never been able to handle goodbyes. See ya lata?  Got it.  I can handle.  Be right back? Okay.  Don't hurry back.  Goodbye, and not sure when I'll see you back again? Massive tears.

Any ideas on how to get motivated?  Need help!!

Since it is Spring Break, I've been doing some cooking and cleaning. I just had to share this surprisingly great recipe (wedding dress paranoia aside).

Hungry Girl - Fettuccine Hungry Girlfredo Veggie Explosion

Have a couple seconds to burn?   Click here: Strangely interesting.

DISPIRITED.

Are you allowed to give up people for lent?  Not all people.  Maybe one, two, or a few?  Is that okay?

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME for a LAW STUDENT:

Self,
It's going to be okay. Really. We WILL bounce back from this. We can take shorter showers and save at least 3 minutes. Shaving? Not necessary. Our hair only needs to be washed once, no time for the double wash and rinse. We'll save time by dropping the greeting on emails and hanging up phone calls without saying goodbye. We'll use forks instead of chopsticks. We won't let them get to us; we'll get that hour back in no time. Trust me. Now worries.


Best,


Panicking Law Student

Horse + carriage minus Cinderella's curfew.
Jazz + Vibe minus the Salsa
Drinks + Drinks + Drinks
Thankfulness + Inspiration
Me + You

Decidedly happy.

Is it possible to be loved unconditionally by someone who has never experienced that kind of love?

Should you only love those who have experienced the type of caring and sacrifice that one has already experience?

Must you feel love to give love?

What about friendship? caring? trust? loyalty?

Help.

When is a bad sign...a bad sign?
When is it better to forgive and forget?
When should a person walk away?

When is a choice an excuse?
When is love not enough?
When is it okay to be selfish?

shortness of breath

pounding

tears

headaches can topple the biggest.

baddest.

strongest. Though I am none of these.

A feeling of treading water. wishing it were over. then shame.

for not being the bigger. badder. stronger

Just want to know it will be okay. but it won't.