I say, "you always talk about yourself."
He hears, "she hates when I change the subject."

I need a gender translator please.

To the people who love you, you are beautiful already. This is not because they're blind to your shortcomings but because they so clearly see your soul. Your shortcomings then dim by comparison. The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect, and beautiful, too.
Victoria Moran, Lit from Within

He loves me.  I think.

Bossy.  Controlling.  Selfish. Exhausting.

conversation - has it been approved?
Fun - did they choose it?
dictate when YOU do chores?
Question - have you explained why you are asking?
Where you go...where you sleep...when you leave...how long it takes...

I hate law school.  I hate finals.

That is all.

I'm going through a midlife crisis.  Before you roll your eyes about the "midlife" part...know my story.

This week's struggle:



I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that good people don't always prevail.  When guys make the comment that good guys finish last, I roll my eyes.  cliché.  But I am struggling with this idea that people are continuously rewarded for making bad decisions.  But what about me?  Trying to make good decisions.  Trying to make meaningful contributions to society. Whatever happened to the good "guys" winning and the bad losing.  Whatever happened to wanting the good girl not the bad one?  Oh wait...maybe that was never true.  Wait... what did my guy friends say... Oh yeah, they say guys want the bad girls till it's time to get married or something super selfish like that (they aren't telling the truth here either, but it makes them feel better for their behavior).  I'm not about to get into our paternalistic society.  This do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  That ish doesn't work.


I don't want to be one of the good ones anymore.  It's just not appreciated.  I'm going to do what I want like everybody else.  How does it work again?  Just apologize later.  Yeah apologies don't really feel that great but you have to accept them these days.  Plus everybody else is doing it.  Being a leader is for the birds.  I want to be a winner.  The only way you can do that these days is by being a loser.

I've outgrown many things in life.  I lament those nostalgic things.  They made me happy, but I know I have outgrown them.  I wrote about this in a different world. 

But I guess you can outgrow people.

I miss friends, but don't know how to start the conversation.
How do you interact when worlds are so different.
Do you remember.  Is that enough.
What do you do when you no longer see the potential.  Instead, you see static.  Stop. Almost but not quite.

Being torn is quite artistic.

Hit and run? Danger. Crying. Cold. Fear. Begging. Questions. Help. Rain. Distant time. Hiding. Hoping. Text messages. Left alone. Phone call. explanations. No help.  Danger. Crying. Cold. Fear. Alone.


Dreams.

Messages.

Something about a box?

....



I was taught long ago to know your audience.




....


I learned that adults are different than children.



...


Most adults would be offended if treated like a 15 year old.


....


But me... I reach out to people who know me.  Or should. Who can address me as the person I am today and not a person of the masses.  But sometimes, I reach out to people who don't know me.

Know your audience.

All things must come to an end.
 

I told you so.

I'm just waiting to hear it.  I know you think it.  I think it at times. I just don't know...

Vindictive (adj.): disposed to seek vengeance; characterized by spite or rancor.  Adjective - hateful.

  Injustice - unfairness - procedure - war - terror - Constitutional rights - criminal - terrorists - students - innocent - humanitarians - intent - purpose - slippery slope - fight - injuries - citizens - freedom - type/criminals - stop - protect - enjoy Constitutional rights - country - award - ingenuity - hard-work - safety -  patriotism - country

Just mooting...

Trying to come up with a policy argument.

I still feel lost.  I don't like this growing up thing.

I'm so done it isn't even funny.

Well there goes that one. I wish I could keep going, but I can't.

So. Sad.

Sometimes I have the audacity to complain about my life. Stupid. Stupid.

Blessed:

Wonderful & loving family (who would do and sacrifice ANYthing for me, who makes me laugh/smile every time I think of them, who makes me sooooo mad with how kind they are, and who unknowingly add pressure on me because I know I don't deserve them).
Brownies.
Husband (who is also a tad too picky, irritatingly handsome, watches and cares too much about sports and not about what is going on in the real world, and puts up with the bad side of me much too often).
Love of my life
Cake.
Chili.
Holiday traditions.
Friends.
Love.
Roof over my head.
Health.
Life.
Hope.
A future.
The ability to learn something new everyday.
Layla the Ladybug.
My favorite blanket.
A hair appointment (crossing my fingers).
Peace.
Did I already say Love? Love.


Blessed.

Birthday BLUES (A rare reflective post)

An interested fact about me and my birthday. I can't recall, in the recent years or non-recent years, a year that I did not cry on my birthday. I'm not talking about tears of joy either. But massive heart wrenching sobs.

1. Why?

2. It takes a little background. It's quite complicated, but I will try to explain.

3. It's always been the case, that I've been an active participant in the birthday's of others. As a child, I was the tall lanky kid clapping and singing louder than all my fellow students as a birthday "kid" stood beaming at the front of the room. Or

There was the kids that got to be the leaders and got all the special roles since it was their special day.

4. Fast forward a couple of years...

I was always there hiding behind couches for the surprise parties, blowing up balloons till my ears hurt, and showing up to yet another "birthday dinner."

5. SO WHY THE CRYING??

For some reason, I was never lucky enough to get those things. The golden rule ("do onto others as you would have them to onto you") doesn't quite work out here.

My birthday is during the Thanksgiving holidays so...
No special leadership positions or classroom singing
No surprise birthday parties (it's a time for family after all)
No birthday dinners (All that Thanksgiving food... who goes out for dinner)
No ability to choose a special dinner (All that Thanksgiving food...)
No going out for my 21st birthday (who goes to a bar on Thanksgiving?)
No sleepovers (all the excuses above)

6. In fact, it's usually just forgotten. I get a cursory happy birthday or something else always trumps.
Holidays
Finals
Family time
People go out of town
Lack of money
Changing tires
Every other excuse in the world

7. Only my family understands. My mom has always known. Every year I call crying.

8. It's interesting because as I get older, I still wait for that ONE birthday. That one time. Because I've never honestly had one before. Every kid deserves one right?

9. So why cry?

1o. Cause I'm a little kid in an adult body still wanting to be sung happy birthday in front of the classroom.